I was trapped in an abusive marriage for 20 years. As a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom with six kids (some with special needs), leaving was a daunting reality. I felt helpless and hopeless. I was isolated and penniless, with no career, no credit, a bankruptcy falsely tied to my name, and no community or support. Should I be the one to file? How did the family court system work? I'd heard so many horror stories about things going awry for protective parents. "Document everything!" was commonly said to me, but how the heck do I do that? How do I find a lawyer? How do I pay for one??
My biggest fear was our kids being hurt in the divorce process, which is a reason many of us stay. But over time I began to understand the damage to kids who grow up internalizing abusive behaviors as normal. I realized that, if I stayed, their main frame of reference for marriage and long-term relationships would be various forms of abuse, and a mother suffering from C-PTSD, depression, and anxiety as a result. I couldn't live with that. Over a span of years, I began to heal my body and mind, to establish my own income and a community of support. All in the direction of gaining the strength to leave.
I had an excellent therapist who was well acquainted with Cluster B personalities. She helped me stay grounded, centered, and connected with my own intuition. After much prodding from a few dear friends, I went to a free legal clinic to talk with a lawyer (which was the first time I was stalked). That lawyer promptly advised me to go to the local domestic violence shelter for help in planning my escape. While I was terrified to go, the DV shelter was an incredible source of support, validation, and resources. I also had the help of several others throughout my three-year high-conflict divorce and custody battle, and the subsequent years of rebuilding my life from scratch. I realized it takes an entire team for one woman to leave one abuser, and I dedicated myself to becoming an important part of that team for other protective mothers once I got myself on solid ground.
I carefully shared within my community what I was learning throughout my divorce and custody experience. Soon, I began to get private messages from friends who were in similar situations, asking for help, resources, and advice. Then I started getting messages from friends of friends. Helping others who were facing the obstacles I had overcome propelled me in my own healing journey and in my desire to continue to learn and become a valuable resource to women and moms stuck in toxic relationships. I continued to read books, listen to podcasts, and learn from experts on domestic violence, high-conflict personalities, high-conflict divorce, and post-separation abuse. Finally, in 2023, I became a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach and Certified Coercive Control Trauma-Informed Coach.
Life after leaving an abuser presents its own unique challenges through post-separation abuse, especially if you have children together. However, there is no price tag that can be put on a home where you and your children are 100% safe and abuse-free.
I have become the very person I wish I'd had a decade ago, and I'm honored to use my hard-earned scars to partner with those in the battle now—to validate your experience and create an action plan together for the best outcome possible for you and your children.
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