I often see Gray Rock recommended in online support groups for those in a relationship with a narcissist, or divorcing/divorced from one. Posts go something like this:
“My narcissist/ex-narcissist said this or did that. How should I respond to this?”
“What do I say to that??”
The most common responses can be summarized as:
“Do not respond / No response required.”
Sometimes snarky responses are offered, which are fun in a safe space where you can vent and get some comedic relief. But, please, do not send snarky messages to your narcissist!
I agree that it is the go-to when communicating with a narcissist in general. However, when you are the healthy protective parent under the watchful eye of the family court system, this tactic can backfire and paint you in a negative light. Gray Rock responses can make an otherwise healthy parent look aloof and like one who is equally participating in the high-conflict dynamic.
Recognizing this issue, Tina Swithin of One Mom’s Battle coined The Yellow Rock Method. Think of it as a spin on the Gray Rock Method, with a touch of strategy and savvy sophistication. Yellow Rock Communication has your authentic self at its root. It allows you to show your truth and stand out as a healthy co-parent doing her best to communicate effectively.
Let’s look at a common scenario as an example from a recent client of mine. She received a message from her ex-narcissist accusing her of “hurting the children” because he didn’t like the parenting time calendar as their Judge had ordered it.
Step One in Yellow Rock communication is to recognize that the messages of the narcissist often have a lot of words and rabbit trails with very little substance, so it’s helpful to boil it down to the essential topic of focus. In this case, her ex is an exhibitionist. He craves attention and plays the part of the doting father when there is an audience. With a holiday around the corner where he could use their children to garner attention from family and friends, he wanted to play his victim card because it was the children’s turn to be with their mom this year. Thankfully, she no longer has to accept his victim card!
Step Two is to take some deep breaths. Take some time away from the computer if needed. Center yourself, get grounded in who you are and what your goals are. Your response must come from your own authentic truth, not the story your narcissist is trying to spin about who you are.
Step Three is to politely respond, keeping your focus on the topic at hand. Don’t get distracted by the circular arguments and attempts to drag the past into the conversation. She responded with, “I am perplexed by your accusation. Can you share examples of how I am hurting the children?”
I can hear all the Gray Rock proponents moaning under their breath, but stick with me! Is her response inviting a scathing email full of more lies and accusations? Oh, yes, you’d better believe it! But we welcome that because it allows the court to see behind the mask of the narcissist. Over time, the family court professionals involved in your case will see that the conflict is coming from only one side.
Yellow Rock communication allows the healthy parent to disengage the narcissist while still being authentic to who they are as a person and co-parent. It is important to always communicate with the assumption that everything we write will be read by a judge or other family court professional. By showcasing a reasonable, courteous style of communication, we present better in the eyes of the family court system–which is what truly matters!
Communicating with a narcissist can feel like trying to tame a wild animal. But with the Yellow Rock Method, you can take control of the conversation and keep your cool.
Share your successes with the Yellow Rock Method in the comments below! If you need more help with communicating with your Narcissist, please reach out by contacting me directly, or scheduling a Discovery Call to discuss how I can help!
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